I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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