my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
