Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
