My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
