I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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