She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
