This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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