i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
