ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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