The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just pee around me
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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