My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
