BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
