Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
