Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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