Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
not ubering you a puppy
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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