The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
