why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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