My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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