soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
