you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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