remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
