I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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