Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
