You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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