i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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