I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
