what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Randomize
