I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
