is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
