I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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