If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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