My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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