A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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