he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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