Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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