Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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