I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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