You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I wish you could order shots online.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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