and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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