I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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