Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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