don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
