Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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