you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
