...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
and she was petting her beer can
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
