Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
