i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
