She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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