Who did Billy Mays play for?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
