Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
