Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
